Dear Parents,

As we move through life just as we drive on a trip, we are passed by some people and pass others ourselves.  Rarely do we set out on a trip of 100 miles and see the same cars the whole time.  Some people stop, some drive faster, and others drive more slowly.  You see drivers who come up fast and rudely pass on the right or tailgate you.  You see people who politely let others in front of them.

In this same way people move in and out of our lives.  We have friends now that we did not have a few years ago, and we don't keep up with others who used to be close friends.  That's a normal and okay part of life.

We need to give ourselves permission to "defriend" some people who are moving in a different direction, and we need not despair if we are defriended.  In fact there are some people who are not good friends, and putting distance between them and ourselves can be a good thing. 

Don't keep these -- the false victim who always needs sympathy, the narcissist who only talks about himself, the downer who can find the negative in anything, the bully who laughs at others difficulties, the underminer who will throw you under the bus, the flake who never does what he says he will, and even the "super-religious" who will beat on you with the law but never speak of God's grace in the Gospel.

Then we must help our children understand these human dynamics.  They often think they can be friends with everyone or even that they should just limit themselves to only one friend.  The thing to remember si that no matter whether friends come or friends go, we always make these transitions with respect for others.

Begin right now praying for your children's high school and college friends, people who will influence when your influence wanes.  Pray for their future spouse and for wisdom in their selection.  Parenting is a lifelong but joyous process.

Blessings on your parenting,

Tim Miesner

Dear Parents,

Continuing with my theme of travel metaphors, this week I'm using the image of back seat drivers.  If you've ever driven with one, you know how irritating that can be.  Have you ever been one?  If so, then you may not know.  A back seat driver is not in control of the vehicle but thinks he knows more about the route, how to drive, or just about anything than the drivers does.  It's someone giving unsolicited advice.  It's maddening.

How does this apply to our children?  When they were born they were incapable of controlling anything, but before long they learned to control their gaze, their limbs, their vocal chords.  They began to put food in their own mouth.  Later they learned to control bodily functions.  Soon their abilities to do things accelerated and they could dress themselves, put toys away, keep quiet when it was polite to do so, and much more.

Unfortunately, some of us yearn for the days when our children were younger and want to keep them permanently suspended in youth by controlling every aspect of their lives.  We become back seat drivers for them.  We do things for them that they are perfectly capable of doing.  The first thing we must realize is that we are doing it for ourselves even though we claim to be doing it for them.  They want to become independent; we want to keep them dependent.  We may even have taught them to pretend they want our help.  It's called learned helplessness.

As parents we have to constantly ask ourselves what is realistic for our children.  Trying to make them do things they cannot do will only frustrate them.  Likewise preventing them from doing things they can do will also frustrate them.  There's no perfect answer.  Just test the waters to see what they can and are ready to do.

Children naturally want to grow up and become more independent.  We owe it to them to let this process proceed.

 
Blessings on your parenting,

Tim Miesner
Principal

Dear Parents,

The image this week I'd want you to consider is that of walls and bridges.  Walls are easier to build than bridges.  That's true physically and emotionally.  It takes more time and energy to build a wall around ourselves than it does to build bridges to other people.  Added to that fact we naturally build bridges to people who more like ourselves.  That means we have to go out of our way to build bridges to those who are different.  

It may literally be impossible to totally eliminate our prejudices, racial or any otherwise, but we can lessen it.   Research with children shows they naturally gravitate towards others who are like them.  As parents, if we want our children to grow up with less prejudice towards others, we have to actively work at it.  We begin, as usual, by modeling this behavior and continue by encouraging our children to examine their own actions.  

Long ago when the world was mostly warring tribes, prejudice was formed by a healthy suspicion of others.  It could save your life.  But today, at least in this country, we are not warring tribes.  Prejudice can limit our desire and ability to work well with others, and working with others is one of the most important skills we bring to work with us.  More people are fired for failure to get along with coworkers than for a lack of knowledge of their job.  So let's all practice our people skills and encourage our children to work on theirs too.

It takes more time and energy to build bridges, not walls.  Reach out and form relationships with others who are different.

Blessings on your parenting,

Tim Miesner
Principal